What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
