dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
When did angry sex become our thing?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
