HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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