If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
