Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
