I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
