there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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