Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
