Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
