Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize