Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
