I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
