Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
