i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
