I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
and she was petting her beer can
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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