walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
