if you like me you must not know who I am
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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