You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
