I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
