Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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