My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You smell like stripper and shame
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
