i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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