wakey wakey hands off snakey
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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