I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
