Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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