I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
