if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
