i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
