you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
