Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have feelings that need drinking.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
