I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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