I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
