I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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