I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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