I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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