I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
