Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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