okay pat passed out under dana's car
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
