Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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