You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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