Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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