I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
