my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Girls should come with a carfax report
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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