chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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