i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We have started to decorate penises.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
