omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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