I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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