I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
