Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
