I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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