I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
