Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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