Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
