i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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