life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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