By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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