Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
