two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
