I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
