you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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