My cat gives me a boner
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
