Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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