I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
