so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
