My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
