I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize