God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
