I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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