When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
