I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
