i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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